Couple showering together sensually is fake news

7 Reasons Why Shower Sex is the Worst


Anna Anna wrote this February 03, 2017


Whether you’re watching an action movie or binging a RomCom, odds are you’re bound to come across a shower scene. There is arguably nothing sexier than a steamy shower scene involving your favorite clumsy female protagonist and super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot male costar.

Sure, that million-dollar shower and all that steam looks fantastic on screen. However, if you’ve ever tried to have shower sex you know that what you seen in film is all a lie. It’s a soaking wet, boner-killing, ass-bruising lie.

If you’re thinking about having shower sex here are a few reasons why you shouldn’t because shower sex is the literal worst:

  1. Water is Not Your Friend

    Realistically, the only sexual thing you should be doing in the shower is strategically aiming your showerhead while solo. As soon as you introduce another person into the situation you’re bound to face some serious issues with the amount of water being sprayed in your direction. You’re going to get water in your face, in your eyes, up your nose.

    You’re going to essentially waterboard yourself with your hair if you even attempt any variation of doggy style. Unless, you want to know what it feels like to drown while standing up, then have your sexy times in any other part of the house.

    Plus, all that water will only make you ladies dry, if you know what I mean. Since water makes things dry up you’re going to need a liter of lube, which will only make things more slippery. And believe me, that is the last thing you need whilst sexing in the shower.

  2. You’re Going to Break Something

    While you’re showering with your significant other you’re bound to lather one another up, because that’s what every shower scene in every movie has conditioned you to do. I mean why not? It’s sexy, right? And it’ll only heat things up?

    No. God, no. The only thing soap is going to do is put your life in immediate danger. It’s already difficult to cling to your partner while you’re soaking wet, getting sprayed in the face with water, and inhaling water. When you add soap into the equation you’re essentially putting life on expert level.

    Don’t believe me? Standing is going to become infinitely more difficult. People make those grippy shower mats so you don’t slip and fall on your ass while you’re in the shower. But if you’re lathering each other up before trying to bang in a shower, no anti-slip mat can help you.

    On top of the soap you’re going to probably be using lube to counteract the ironic drying effects of water, which only turns your shower into a porcelain death trap.

    If you have ever slipped and fell in the shower you know that you can potentially completely destroy your body. And if you don’t break a bone when you smack your head on the shower floor, then you probably took down a shower head or curtain on your way down.

    Even if you survive your aquatic sexcapades in one place, your bathroom certainly will not.

  3. The Positions are Impossible

    The Kama Sutra is difficult enough on dry land, imagine how difficult it’ll be to do in the slipper hell of your shower. Shower sex positions are essentially the X-Games of sex: it looks really cool, it’s basically impossible, and if you fail you die.

    It’s hard enough to have sex standing up, imagine how difficult sex becomes when you’re trying to cling to your soapy, lubey, soaking wet partner. That’s right it’s just not going to happen for you unless you’re a sexual acrobat, a porn star, or some magnificent combination of both.

    Do yourself a favor and have sex before you get in the shower. Or if you must do something sexy in your bathroom bang on the counter and chill in a relaxing, safe bubble bath with bae after.

  4. You’re Not Really Getting Clean

    The purpose of taking a shower is to get clean, right? So why would you want to fool around, almost die, and emerge soaking wet only to need to take another shower.

    I don’t care what you say, you’re not getting remotely clean. If you don’t think you’re going to work up a sweat in the shower you’re wrong. The water is hot, the room gets steamy, and you’re battling to get it in without killing yourself.

    I can almost guarantee that you’re going to emerge from the shower soaked in your own sweat rather than feeling fresh. And the best part? You probably used all the hot water, so you’re going to have to wait around an hour to take another, more productive shower and get on with your life.

  5. If There’s any Height Difference, You’re Screwed

    For some reason, short girls automatically date guys who are 7 feet tall. Normal sex is difficult enough when there’s a height difference of a foot.

    Now try to have sex in the shower and let me know how that goes. It’s literally impossible. Unless you and your partner fit together perfectly, spoon style, you’re screwed. There’s no way you’re going to be able to have uninterrupted, comfortable sex unless you’re almost the same height.

    I suppose porn stars figure out how to do it but they have an entire production team and hours and hours of fucking under their belt.

  6. You're Wasting Water

    Okay for real, you’re totally wasting water. I don’t care what fuq boi told you to “save water, shower with a friend”, but you were lied to (shocker).

    Think about it. Sex and foreplay usually last for a sizable amount of time, unless you’re shooting for a quickie. Now up the difficulty level of shower sex and you’re going to be in there for a while.

    Shower sex is only quick in the movies because they cut it all out. Don't you care about the environment.

  7. You're Left Cold, Damp, Bruised and Unsatisfied

    There is no better way than to destroy your mood and confidence in your sexual prowess to have shower sex.

    Sex in the shower never actually works out the way you want it to. Best case scenario you give up and chill in the bathtub. Worst case scenario your roommate comes home to find you and your partner dead in the shower. And common, no one wants to die horny.

    Shower sex is a virtually unachievable fantasy we are all plagued with, and unfortunately Hollywood (and PornHub) only encourage it, contributing to an endless cycle of desire and damp disappointment.

    Don’t play into it and have sex on the kitchen counter instead.